my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
