I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you made out with another girl for some wings
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
