She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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