So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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