Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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