new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
