just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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