I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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