woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
