She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He passed out mid-signature
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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