I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
