Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize