piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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