So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
