My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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