Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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