He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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