I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
