hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
