thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
