good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I smell stomach acid.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We got so high we made milksteak
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
