and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
