walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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