I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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