I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
