Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
