I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
