i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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