worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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