felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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