Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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