Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize