maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
