dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
