i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
