Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize