no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
