Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
