Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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