She went from zero to smokin in five shots
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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