I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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