Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When did angry sex become our thing?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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