The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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