what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish my penis had a tongue
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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