I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
