Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
