i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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