someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
