oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
