it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
