I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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