My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
