i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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