It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
