Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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