where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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