I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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