My friends, they love my intelligence
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
