I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
