her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
