Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
