I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
