Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
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