Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
