I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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