Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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