I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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