Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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