I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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