dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
