Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
tell me about the eggs
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
