she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
