I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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