You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
